Today Energy Spatula posted a link to this MSN “10 Things Every Single Girl Should Have” article, pointing out its rampant stupidity and asking for better suggestions. After reading the article and being filled with killing rage, I feel the need to have a go at it.
MSN Suggested Item: “1. A fabulous photo of yourself”
Why This is Totally Stupid: This is an actual quote from the article: “Post that sucker at eye level on your fridge so your male guest can’t help but notice it as he checks out if you have beer (see item #5). What he says: ‘Is that you?’ What he means: ‘Daa-aamn, girl, you’re hotter than I realized!’” Okay, seriously, the hot photo is not going to trick him into thinking you are hotter when he is actually in your house looking at you. He can see you and the actual, non-flattering-camera-angle size of your ass. This is crazy person logic.
What You Should Have Instead: Porn.
MSN Suggested Item: 2. A pretty pair of heels
Why This is Totally Stupid: One of my friends just got a brand new corporate type job, and her reaction to having to dress business casual was, “Why are girl dress shoes so hurty? My feet are used to boots and sneakers and they are sad.” I personally never managed to get the whole walking in heels thing down really well, and stick to platform shoes for dress occasions.
What You Should Have Instead: Steel-toed boots. Mine are pink.
MSN Suggested Item: 3. An Eminem CD
Why This is Totally Stupid: Okay, no one I date is going to be impressed by an Eminem CD ever. As an ardent fan of the crushed out mix cd, I support impressing one’s beau with music, but how about music you actually like instead?
What You Should Have Instead: Neutral Milk Hotel, The Modern Lovers, The Mountain Goats, The Velvet Underground, Sleater-Kinney
MSN Suggested Item: 4. A great pickup line…and a way to blow ‘em off
Why This is Totally Stupid: Um, this one is actually not too bad. While pick-up lines are kind of stupid, it is sometimes effective to have a little cute flirty routine that can lead easily to kissing. (I used to have this thing I did with the tops of beer cans that was highly effective.) And a way to blow people off is really necessary, especially if you are incapable of being rude to jerks like I am, and are forced to wait until they go to the bathroom and then run away.
What You Should Have Instead: A good friend and a secret “Save Me From the Loser” hand gesture.
MSN Suggested Item: 5. A six-pack of good bottled beer
Why This is Totally Stupid: Okay, I agree with this one, except their logic is, “Because boys like beer.” What about because all civilized human beings should have good taste in beer? I knew that I was starting adult life for real when I described a beer as being, “overly hoppy.” Also, there’s nothing more annoying than those girly girls who, “don’t like the way beer tastes” and insist on those stupid soda-beer things. Shut up and drink it, you pussy! It’s an acquired taste, you’ll like it by the sixth bottle.
What You Should Have Instead: Two six packs of good bottled beer, and a large bottle of gin.
MSN Suggested Item: 6. Bathroom reading
Why This is Totally Stupid: Because bathroom reading is gross, that’s why. Concentrate on the task at hand, do your business, and get out. Don’t multitask, for the love of god.
What You Should Have Instead: Everywhere else reading.
MSN Suggested Item: 7. A business card
Why This is Totally Stupid: Because when you have business cards printed up to give to men who want to sleep with you, that makes your “business” prostitution.
What You Should Have Instead: How about a hobby? I suggest knitting.
MSN Suggested Item: 8. Earplugs
Why This is Totally Stupid: Okay, this dude you pick up is going to snore so loudly that you can’t sleep and you can’t handle it for one night? And it’s not going to be totally weird when you put earplugs in? Yeah, whatever.
What You Should Have Instead: A vibrator. They don’t snore.
MSN Suggested Item: 9. A straight male friend on your speed-dial
Why This is Totally Stupid: Quote from MSN article: “Every girl knows she needs a gay male friend she can go to for fashion advice. But when it comes to relationship advice, you need another source. While your female friends may have good intentions, if you really want to know if you should call that guy, save the guesswork and go to someone who’s been there, done that.” Yes, because you are totally going to be dating a straight guy, and not a bisexual guy or a girl. Because you are a single girl! You like the fellas! The straight fellas! And the straight guys, they are all exactly the same! And there’s a secret guy code that they all know! And you need to crack it! Of all of the parts of the article, this is the one that makes me hate straight people the most. MSN, you’ve made me hetrophobic, I hope you’re happy.
What You Should Have Instead: Friends that you like for reasons other than their sex and gender.
MSN Suggested Item: 10. A condom
Why This is Totally Stupid: Okay, this one isn’t stupid.
What You Should Have Instead: A box of condoms.
What do you guys think every single girl should have? Other than a blog and a lot of hate for MSN’s hetronormative bullshit.
1. A good retirement plan. Max out that 401k every year.
2. A reliable car. Nobody with a good car needs to be justified. (Even better, reliable public transportation)
3. A voter’s registration card
4. Pair of excellent walking shoes (or running shoes).
5. A list of goals. Not necessarily corporate goals or plans to rule the earth. Just stuff you want to accomplish for yourself.
(1) Good friends
(2) Good wine
(3) a toolkit
(4) a sense of adventure
(5) caller id
(6) comfortable underwear
(7) enough sense of self so that she can make her home comfortable for herself…and not design it around the presumed proclivities of potential mates
1. Some kind of entertainment system. Definitely. In case a boy pops round so you can avoid conversation.
2. A black bra hung discreetly on a wardrobe door will do wonders.
3. Pictures of you kissing girls. To really bake his noodle.
4. Scissors by the bed. It’ll make him wonder.
5. *Hide* the hair dye.
6. Hide the pics of the ex’s. Unless you want to get rid of him.
7. Movie picture posters. This is not negotiable. Have them be of Brad Pitt if you must.
8. A two-headed dildo is a sure-fire test of his flexibility and openness.
9. A computer. So you can escape from him if required.
10. One wardrobe. *JUST* one wardrobe. No more, no less. And what’s with the 250 pairs of shoes and 16 handbags, while we’re at it?
1. As much yarn and/or crafting supplies as you want.
2. Hello Kitty stuff. Extra points if it’s Batz Maru (ANGRY PENGUIN!)
3. Lots of fresh produce. Extra points for mangoes.
4. A badass outfit.
5. Goofy pictures of yourself.
6. A do-it-yourself mentality.
7. Chocolate.
Decent screwdrivers and your own drill and bits
short cotton bicycle shorts for when you have to wear a skirt so you don’t set your jiggly thighs on fire
an easy hat or sock knitting project that’s small enough to fit into your bag for stress relief on your lunch hour
Compact mirror and floss for picking crap out of your teeth
1. Power tools, may I suggest a jig saw and a screw gun. Brad gun optional.
2. Fun pajamas.
3. Food.
4. Alcohol.
5. Friends.
1) A matching bra & panty set that makes you feel sexy
A membership to AAA. The membership to AA is optional.
2) A strong sense of confidence and independent self-worth
3) A white down comforter (for comforting)
4) One outfit you look absolutely incredible in
5) A bottle of good vodka in the freezer
6) A thick journal and fountain pen on the night table
7) A close friend who would help you move and bury bodies if needed.
9) A passport
10) Lots of juicy memories to savor in old age
Well, how awesome are you, because that’s stuff that Every Girl Should Have, Single Or Not. (Especially hate for heteronormative garbage and things that don’t snore.)
(I read your blog all the time – bet the network guys at my company are really enjoying it too.)
~Carly
Cash and a complete understanding of how it works.
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